Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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