i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize