This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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