I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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