i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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