Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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