mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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