I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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