At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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