i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize