So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
