Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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