when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Success! We fucked roommates!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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