Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize