I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
