how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
