Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Its about making memories worth repressing
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Ladies don't puke and tell
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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