the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
