Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We talked him into tasing himself.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
