ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
