i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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