sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
