Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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