Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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