Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
