did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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