It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize