oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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