yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize