somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
