your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
