I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
