Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
