I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
