somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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