why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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