Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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