My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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