I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
