you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
