I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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