I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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