I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
