Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I cut my penus on the lid.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Maybe he injected his testicle?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
