My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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