yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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