My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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