dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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