do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize