he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
