my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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