she woke up with a sticky ear
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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