Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
