I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize