just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize