You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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