You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
