This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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